I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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