Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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