Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
