Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
