I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Couch. On fire.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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