so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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