is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
