I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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