I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
