I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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