Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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