well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
