don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
wanna go halves on a baby?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
