Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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