so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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