I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
