we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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