I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
