i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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