I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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