Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
