Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
