Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
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