TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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