This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
