You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
