The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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