how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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