They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Barsexuality is the new black.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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