She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize