Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
