once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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