I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
