I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
