Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
