Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
