eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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