Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
someone owes me an orgasm
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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