Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
