It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize