3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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