new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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