im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Randomize
