This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My ATM looks so different sober.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
