i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize