Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
