I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
