paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
