living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
