I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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