my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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