My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
