One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize