billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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