It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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