Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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