FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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