1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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