Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
