Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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