Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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