My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
