I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
