My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
