You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize