her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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