Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
